So, yeah I have an "angel baby" or what ever you want to call a stillborn child that is nameless that you are unsure how to refer to it as. Baby A has been on my mind alot over the last few months and I am not totally sure why. I think the miscarriages that my friends (Hollie, Kyra, Megan) have experienced and my Halloween cemetery visit have made it stick in my mind. When touring the cemetery and seeing all of the baby headstones, I feel a huge regret in my heart that I did not hold, see, or honor my baby's existence. I simply had him thrown out as medical waste. At that time, I just couldn't fathom what was happening and just wanted it to be over. After seeing all of the babies at the cemetery, I wish I would have done something for him, to acknowledge that someone knew him and that someone was me and me alone.
I know miscarriage and stillbirths are a fairly common occurrence, but it doesn't make it any easier. Here I am, nearly 3 years later with 2 perfect kids, still talking about it. I guess it's like people who went through the tornado here, or the loss of a loved one, regardless of how much time goes by, they still need to talk about it and the loss. When things in life happen to you like that, you cannot go on and not be changed. Closure is bullshit.
***P.S. I am fine, don't worry about my mental/emotional state if you are reading this. This is my blog and journal and I am writing for me, so if you happen to read it, that's ok, but it's really for me.
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